When all of your exes get to happily move on in relationships that aren’t you and you get nobody for extended periods of time.
While you’re prideful in yourself to know that whatever relationship you get won’t feel as tainted as theirs because maybe they’re manipulative. The thing about it is that, I’ve tried being upfront, honest, detailed and everything to get someone with.
And I guess working on yourself and trying to improve aren’t exactly attractable qualities.
Someone I work for is hospitalized with a manic episode. This is new for her. It is terrible and has had some bad professional outcomes. I am sad and worried for her.
But she’s also posting some serious Eat Pray Love shit on her social media right now that is pictures of visits with therapy dogs, doing facial masks, yoga, making crafts, and other hospital based froufrou stuff. It makes me seethe inside, because when I was sick myself years ago before I got well medicated I did not have the luxury to check myself into a private room in a hospital, and instead had to drag myself to work 80-90 hours a week between my jobs, because of money, because of the shit person I’ve married, who was violently and sociopathically unsupportive, telling me terrible things, until one night walking an hour home from my 12 hour afternoon shift I almost jumped into the highway when I was crossing the bridge. Some kids on bikes saw me and basically harassed me until I stopped, and I went home. I later made a vague allegation of suicide to a friend without really meaning to, I was so ill that it didn’t really register, and she sent the police to my house, much to the suprise of my spouse who spent the whole night telling me I had convinced people that he was my nurse, and a million other really terrible things.
I just went to my afternoon shift the next day. And then I saw my psychiatrist and confessed what had happened to him, and I am to this day convinced that the only reason I didn’t end up on a Form 1 that day was because it was a 4 pm appointment on a late sunny June afternoon and he was looking too forward to the weekend. I just left the appointment and again went to work.
So watching her basically have a spa admission is really hard for me, because even though I got better on medication I’m still working two jobs, making way less than her, a lot of other things are terrible, and I’m not taking leaves of absence to buy a piano and try to learn to play it while everyone fawns over me. And she is making a HELL of a lot of work for me, and yes of course it is an illness but it’s really fucking hard to be patient when I can’t spend ANYTHING at all and work 60 hours a week, and spent part of last evening being screamed at because I took a paring knife to work to cut up a mango.