This sounds like a tough situation. From what you’ve described, the way this person is treating you lacks any trace of care or respect. You deserve better. From anyone you interact with, but especially from anyone that wants to be intimate with you (in any sense of the word). I’m concerned that you’re still talking to them, let alone wavering on whether to break up with them.

At the risk of being a bit harsh, I wonder if this song applies? I share this only because sometimes it’s easier to see from the outside how abusive a relationship has become. I’ve you’re feeling delicate, maybe wait until you’re feeling a bit more robust before you listen.

Are narcissists attracted to ADHD folk?

People with a narcissistic streak are attracted to anyone with weakened personal boundaries. This is often the case with those of us who grow up with undiagnosed ADHD, and other forms of neurodivergence. Because we spend our formative years with a neurotypical-dominated world constantly gaslighting us. We’re taught to distrust our perceptions; of what’s normal for us, what works for us, and so on.

Do you have any ideas or strategies that have worked for your to bring yourself back to a more normal state?

Two things; self love, personal boundaries.

It’s an ongoing journey. Life traumas often tip me back into self-loathing and letting other people push me around. But I keep working on accepting myself, warts and all, and reminding myself that I don’t need to be perfect to deserve love, let alone basic care and respect. I keep working on saying “no” when that’s the right answer for me, even if other people get upset that I don’t say “yes”.

There’s a book by Dr. Allan Mallinger called ‘Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets Out of Control’. I try to remember to reread this book every few years. I found this really helpful, both for understanding my own obsessive people-pleasing. As well as being more compassionate towards others when they’re stuck in obsessive behaviour, without sacrificing my own wellbeing trying to “fix” things for them. Which might help in dealing with this person you’re struggling to break up with.

Another book I’ve found really helpful for my journey towards self-acceptance is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Tolle’s prose is gentle but never pandering. Often confusing, but always in ways that open space for deeper reflection. Each time I read it, I always follow the suggestion to put the book down and come back to it later, whenever one of the little pause symbols appears. Taking some time to absorb each section and observe my mind’s reactions to it, and whether that conflicts with or resonates with my more intuitive responses.

Can’t believe nobody has mentioned Wag the Dog (1997), The Men Who Stare at Goats (2009), or Sorry to Bother You (2018).

It’s a classic, for sure. From what I’ve read, it was Sam Neill’s performance in The Quiet Earth that brought him to the attention of Hollywood casting folks, leading to his starring role in the original Jurassic Park.

So many great movies listed here, but only one kiwi movie; Once Were Warriors. Unless you count Lord of the Rings, which was indeed made here, but not really exactly a kiwi movie. Here’s a few I reckon are worth checking out, a mix of comedy, fantasy, sci-fi and biopic, with at least one film from each of the last 5 decades;

• Goodbye Pork Pie (the 1981 original, I haven’t seen the 2017 remake Pork Pie directed by his son)
• Came A Hot Friday (1985, so underrated compared to the one above)
• The Quiet Earth (1985, based on the 1981 novel of the same name)
• The Navigator: A Medieval Odyssey (1988, epically weird, in a Fisher King kind of way)
• Heavenly Creatures (1994, Peter Jackson’s first “serious” film, after his splatter comedies Bad Taste, Meet the Feebles and Braindead. Trivia: I’m in this for about 3 seconds …)
• Whale Rider (2002)
• The World’s Fastest Indian (2005)
• Eagle vs. Shark (2007)
• Hunt for the Wilderpeople (2016)
• The Dead Lands (2014, notable for being entirely in Te Reo Māori, and featuring some mean Māori martials arts)
• The Dark Horse (2014)
• Muru (2022, loosely based on the events of the 2008 Operation 8 raids)
• Ka Whawhai Tonu (2024, also has a lot of Te Reo spoken)