Could be a one liner or a long drawn out thing I don’t care. I like all kinds of comedy.
[ ⚠ CW: NSFW ] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smOaqKhs_k4&t=479s
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot 🥕
When I hear/use the word condescending, I will look at someone and say: “That’s when you talk down to people”. Then let them get through their rant until they realise what just happened. I used to force it with “what do you call a kleptomaniac Dwarf going down a set of stairs? A little condescending, that’s when you talk down to people”.
Simple joke:
Knock knock, who’s there, Europe, Europe who? No you’re a poo.
I for one, like Roman numerals, that’s perfection.
How do you keep a Mormon from drinking all the beer on your fishing trip?
Invite another Mormon.
(My family is Mormon and they also think this joke is hilarious)
I don’t get it.
In Mormon theology doing any mind altering substances like drinking alcohol, smoking anything, and I shit you not even drinking fucking coffee it’s explicitly forbidden.
But like most religious zealots, they all do it, and knitting circles ain’t got shit on churches when it comes to spreading other people’s business to “hold each other accountable”, but we all know it’s just a reason to gossip. So if you have one Mormon, and assuming you are not, the mormon will drink your beer. But if you have another one, they know that person will tell EVERYONE about it.
One of my most baffling social nights was being invited to poker night at the home of a bunch of Jehovah’s Witnesses. My buddy had married one (that’s a whole different kettle of fish, set that to the side for now lol) and that’s how I came along for card night.
So anyways… there’s no gambling allowed… so the deal was everybody put in $20 dollars and whoever “won” was awarded the trophy. To keep it totally in God’s hands and not humans gambling, the poker game’s River card would mutate all cards with the same value to Wild cards. So no matter how shitty anybody played or what anybody did, the outcome was quasi-random. Then once everybody had all the chips, they were awarded the trophy. The trophy was a 40oz bottle of whiskey. Which Jehovah’s are not allowed to drink. But don’t worry, it was agreed beforehand nobody would actually drink it, it’s a damned trophy for crying out loud!
Also we were not allowed (per JW rules) to be socializing in the first place. Also there was rock music in the background while we played which is not allowed. And the JWs would individually disappear to the laundry room to make their pop-only drinks with whatever (pop only!) products each person brought to the gathering in a zippered gym bag.
I mean. Yeah. It was so fucking weird man.
I had a friend (Who often got confused for Will Ferrell) who ran karaoke nights down south who was ex communicated, or I think it was called de-fellowshipped, from JW for trying to learn about their past. Fuck these cults are strange.
Oh, I thought when you invite a second Mormon, the first one won’t drink all your beer cause the second one will drink half of it.
Technically if they both drink it neither one has drunk all the beer. Mission accomplished
Have you ever noticed how all the vampire lore is based around Europe, but never in Africa?
It’s because they bless the rains down in Africa.
I don’t see it. Bloodless raign? How am I suppose to misshear it?
Blessed water aka holy water is very bad for vampires.
Noted. Thank you.
The last one i learned:
What does a Dutch man do when his team wins the Soccer World Cup?
He saves and switches off his PlayStation.
I mean, the Dutch are terrible at defending.
Just ask around in Srebrenica.
Woooooooah.
…too soon?
This is the story of Trevor
Trevor was born in a farmer family. His family had been farmers for at least 4 generations. In Trevor’s first birthday, his dad gave him a toy tractor, hoping he’d carry on the family tradition. Trevor loved this tractor. He had other toys of course, some cars, some planes, but all of the others combined didn’t get played with nearly as much as the tractor. So, for his third birthday, Trevor’s dad got him a rideable plastic tractor. A new favorite toy was found.
Things went on much the same. Trevor helped out on the farm when he wasn’t busy with school. He ended up showing quite a gifting as a mechanic, probably because of his lifelong and ever increasing obsession with tractors. His father didn’t miss this obsession, and for Trevor’s 18th birthday, after scraping money together for over a year, he got Trevor a second hand tractor. It was the best day of Trevor’s life so far.
After that, Trevor started taking over a lot of the jobs around the farm. His tractor, despite its age, managed to hold its own compared to some newer, fancier factors. All was well, until one day, when he met a girl. This girl, Trevette, was perfect. Beautiful, kind, smart, and a perfect mesh with him. They hit it off immediately, and eventually Trevor worked up the courage to officially ask her out. It went well until he invited her back to his farm. Then she saw all the evidence of his tractor obsession.
“Trevor, this probably isn’t healthy”
“What isn’t?”
“All this tractor stuff. It’s too much”
It took a lot of persuading. It even took an ultimatum. Trevor had to choose between Trevette or his tractors. Eventually, he chose Trevette. He kept his real tractors, because he needed them for his job, but everything else - the tractor sheets, the tractor toys, the tractor wallpaper - it all had to go. He eventually got over his loss, and asked Trevette to marry him
It was a beautiful wedding. And not a tractor in sight, causing much less sadness in Trevor than anyone who grew up with him would have expected. Everything was going perfectly, until the cake was meant to come out. Then suddenly smoke came pouring out of the kitchen. It quickly filled the whole room, setting off all the alarms and nearly choking everyone in the room. Then Trevor stood up, took a deep breath in, pulling all the smoke out of the air. He then walked to the front door, kicked it open, then blew all the smoke into the night air. Everyone was shocked. Trevette asked “Trevor, how did you do that?”
“Well,” he said. “I’m an ex tractor fan”
holy shit 😂
Brutal. lol
(raunchy humor)
- Q: How do elephants hide in the jungle?
- A: They paint their balls red and climb into cherry trees.
- Q: What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?
- A: Giraffes eating cherries.
A more kid friendly version:
Q: why do elephants have red eyes?
A: so they can hide in the cherry trees.
Q: have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: See, they can hide really themselves!Fantastic!
A guy finds an old lamp in the desert. He rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie tells the guy he has two wishes.
The guy says, “I always thought it was three wishes.”
The genie says, “Check your pants.”
The guy looks down and says, “Woah, it’s huge!”
Genie says, “I’ve been doing this for a long time.”
3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It shouts “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.” The first guy immediately blurts out “I want a billion dollars.” POOF, he’s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says “I want to be the richest man alive.” POOF, he’s holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 500 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says “I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.” POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it’s time for their second wish.
First guy says: “I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.” POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says “I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.” POOF, his looks change and the first guy’s wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says “I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.” POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says “I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die.” POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don’t bother him any more.
Second guy says “I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.” POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says “My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.” POOF, he’s now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: “I’ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I’ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.”
Second guy smiles and says “Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I’m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven’t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.”
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:“Guys, I think I fucked up.”
Heard it in Russian a while ago, it’s one of the classics. Here’s another one:
A guy walks in a pub, sits at the table and orders a pint and a thimble of beer. Bartender gets him a pint and asks why he needs a thimble of beer. “Hold on a sec”, — replies the guy, putting an inch long little man onto the table from his pocket: “Jack, tell him about the time you told the wizard to go fuck himself”
There’s a lot longer version of that in German too, where the wizard is hard of hearing and the guy at the bar didn’t actually wish for a 30cm big person, but it’s all German puns and impossible to translate.
They have it in English too but he plays the piano.
In the German version, he’s the author Johannes Mario Simmel.
Makes me think of the one like:
A sailor walks into a bar and has a really small shrunken head. The bartender out of curiosity asks “I’m sorry to pry, but how and why is your head so small?”
The sailor says "Well I was out to sea, and I saw a mermaid. She said she would grant me one wish. I said to her - Well it’s awfully lonely out here and could go for a roll in the sheets you know what I mean? But seeing as your all fish down below, how about a little head? "
ahaha I didn’t see the anti-punchline coming. Cheers 🥲
A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. He was getting a lot of funny looks over his attire, but finally the bartender breaks the ice.
“Sir, what’s with the wheel sticking out of your pants?”
“Aargh, it’s been drivin’ me nuts!”
A woman is deep in the throes of labor, bringing her first child into the world. “Push, push,” the doctor tells her as the baby’s head appears. “One more big one,” he exclaims; she cries out and obliges.
The doctor gently cradles the new arrival, moves to hand it to the mother, her tears of pain turning to tears of joy as she reaches for her baby. But suddenly, the doctor grasps it by the ankles and begins to bash it against the end table.
The mother screams, begs him to stop as he punches it, bites it, slams it against a wall. But her cries are ignored while he tosses around like a dog with a rat. Exhausted he finally hands it to her.
“I’m just foolin’. It was already dead.”
Many years ago when I did stand-up I tried to come up with a better take on the “dead baby joke”. The foundation isn’t mine, but the delivery was. It was one of my best bits and I get that it’s not funny in the classic sense but in the “Jesus Fucking Christ!” sense.
Actually, I was working on something similar. The original ‘stable relationship’ joke is very compact and for me, kind of unfunny. I decided to adapt it into an Aristocrats format. I wanted to spin this out into a five minute monologue and commit it to memory, someday:
A man has been admitted to the trauma unit after inserting a massive collection of objects into his anus, following an unhinged crime spree of public indecency, raucous violence, and gravely harmful bestiality.
He was apprehended by police at the Churchill Downs after a dispute with a jockey. Apparently he had pinched their riding crop and was whipping himself and shrieking like a mare in heat. He was discharged from custody immediately, as it was apparent he had a life-threatening number of objects inside his body. Later, the partially-eaten body of a horse was found hidden under a pile of shit-covered hay. The opinion of the forensics lab was that the horse was slain in a crime of passion.
On arrival, doctors found the man completely insensitive to all known sedatives, until they tried a near-lethal cocktail of horse tranquilizers and Mongolian fermented horsemilk known as airag, which calmed him enough for imaging to be taken.
The preliminary x-rays showed eight My Little Pony toys and one limited edition plushie of Twilight Sparkle, a hardback copy of Equus and a well-worn paperback of Animal Farm, an unloaded Colt revolver, half a lucky horseshoe, a lasso, a ten gallon hat, a pink Himalayan salt lick, figurines of Mr. Ed, Maximus, and Secretariat, a Lego cowboy set, a half-empty pony keg, two white knight chess pieces and one black one which kept on falling out (because he’s been shitting himself uncontrollably this whole time you see), and the broken staff of a hobby horse, which protruded three feet from him. The head of the hobby horse he was using as a sort of codpiece, whose whereabouts are currently unknown. It was later found on eBay and recovered at great expense.
Prior to the procedure, his condition was reported as ‘stable’.
Anyway, it’s not quite there yet. There are some parts that feel kind of hat on a hat? I’d appreciate any notes you might have, I’ll take any critical feedback; after all, you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
I love a good slow build that ends with what would otherwise be a dad joke level punchline, and that one’s 🔥.
Aw cheers, thanks for reading. I dream of finding a horse furry to pick their brains for better material. Something that really demonstrates a genuinely prurient mania that a non-horsefucker can’t really replicate. A joke like this is like Evel Knievel, you just hit the gas and go for airtime, yanno?
That’s incredible, goddamn!
A door-to-door salesman knocks on the door of a farm and a small boy opens the door.
“Hi kid, is your father at home?”
“No, he’s in the hospital”
“I’m so sorry, what happened?”
“He got run over by a tractor”
“That’s terrible! Is your mom at home then?”
“No, she’s also in the hospital.”
“What happened to her?”
“Got run over by a tractor as well”
“Then who’s looking after you?”
“Well, my aunt and uncle did until they got run over by a tractor”
“How horrible, so you are here all alone?”
“Yes. Everyone’s been run over by a tractor”
“So what do you do here all day all by yourself?”
“Not much, just riding around on a tractor”
I fear for that salesman’s life
This Twonks two panel is probably the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Anyone I show it to cracks up. He is a genius.
“I guess that means I’m hired?”
I have a joke about piping to /dev/null, but you wouldn’t get it.
I told you a joke via UDP, but I don’t know if you got it or not.
I sent your joke to 0.0.0.0/0 and I’m sure someone will get it.
