The thing that drives me nuts about Sabrina Carpenter is she’s always singing about fucking me but I get close to her and she calls her bodyguards.

I can’t handle the mixed messages and might have to break up with her for good.

What does a beholder have to do with anything?

ripped off Cumfart?

Excuse me but what the fuck are you asking here?

That’s just the marijuana eating away at their brains and making them paranoid junkie zombies.

Hey I recognize that snowbank.

No shit that’s why they’re rich.

No you’re driving that vehicle past its limit and you should change the way you drive if the brakes are fading that badly.

You definitely need to change the way you drive before you consider upgrading your brakes.

Oh come on we’re all degenerates around here.

How’s the hentai selection?

If you increase the price every three months you’d have warning though.

If Netflix buys everything can I only buy one streaming service again?

This was actually in the initial script for Independence Day.

Soak that shit in a ziplock full of vinegar, hold it in place with an elastic band and profit with a shiny clean shower head.

What.

I’m in the waiting room right now for my weekly clean-out.

My iPhone keyboard is my favorite.

I have a pretty nice mechanical keyboard but I usually cast my phone keyboard.

Hey that happens to the best of us.

Turn the heat up and turn the AC up means fundamentally different things though.

My cats would sell me out for three treats.