One of the things I love about the fediverse is the blahaj instances. The admin team, and Ada in specific, bust their asses to make them a place where more than minimum respect and decency can be expected. They’ve taken heat for it, but stand firm, which has earned a deep and abiding respect on my part for them.

Asktransgender is probably the more specific spot for questions, true. Nothing wrong with crossposting in that regard :)

I totally get the self image thing. It’s hard to self advocate when self esteem says it isn’t worth it. I’ve had eras of my life where that was an issue. Probably still would if I wasn’t old and crusty.

If it were me, and the person was important enough to make it worth playing nice, I’d sit them down and explain that it hurts, that it causes distress. A lot of people will respond to that kind of direct honesty and vulnerability when they won’t to a reasonable request that means they have to put effort in. Mind you, not everyone is worth playing nice, and plenty of people will take openness as an excuse to be an asshole. But, overall, it works.

If they aren’t important enough, I tend to get my dander raised and step up past assertive into aggressive, but I can’t recommend that. It does work more often than not, but it sets up an adversarial tone that rarely goes away. It is, however, appropriate when someone refuses to show basic decency around terms of address.

But, hey, no bullshit, you always deserve at least the bare minimum of respect. That’s something that even serious assholes only lose when there’s no other choice. You absolutely deserve to be able to draw boundaries around how you’re addressed.