Someone I live with insists on calling me “bro” and “dude”, despite my repeated pleas for cessation, citing ideolect as a defence.
I get that “bro” and “dude” are part of their vocabulary, but it hurts. Am I in the wrong here?
P.S. Is this the right community for this kind of question?
Absolutely not wrong! We all deserve a minimum level of our preferences in address being respected.
Now, is it true that dude in specific, and bro to a small extent, aren’t about gender per se? Sure. Dude was originally gender neutral in the surfer lingo. And brospeak litters conversation with bro like cigarette butts on a highway. It isn’t being used as a slight or a misgendering the way you describe it.
Like, I tend to litter both speech and casual writing with “like” at the beginning of sentences like this. Bro is used akin to bub or pal or homie more than the origin as brother. It isn’t as gendered as it started out. Dudettes even use bro for their sisters ;)
That doesn’t change that someone you live with is brushing against your specific pain points.
This is a situation that requires compromise on the part of a roomie. When an aussie rooms with someone that suffered abuse by being called cunt, it only matters a tiny bit that they don’t mean it in a bad way. It matters in that it’s something to work on rather than an immediate deal breaker. Your situation is a few steps apart that, but the same principle.
You’re absolutely not being rude. And, if the person in question refuses outright to work with you they’re the asshole. Language, ideolect, takes time and effort to adjust, but it is malleable. That effort is necessary when addressing someone. They can still call others bro. They can still use the term bro as a term of affection. They just need to stop calling you bro. And dude, despite its origins.
Fwiw, while I definitely believe this is an appropriate community for the question, it would also be appropriate in any general questions community. It applies outside of trans issues as well
I have some self-worth issues, so I sometimes have trouble knowing when… I’m unsure how to finish that sentence. I don’t always feel I deserve minimum respect, like everyone else. Thanks for helping me reädjust.
I’m not even asking them to not use those words as filler words or exclamations; I don’t kind a “duuuude” if i show them something neat, or a “bruh” if I tell them something outrageous.
Yeah, I wasn’t sure whether to put this here or over in !asktransgender@lemmy.blahaj.zone. I generally prefer posting on Blåhaj Zone, since I know the mods will be fairly vigilant against transphobes; it feels safe here.
One of the things I love about the fediverse is the blahaj instances. The admin team, and Ada in specific, bust their asses to make them a place where more than minimum respect and decency can be expected. They’ve taken heat for it, but stand firm, which has earned a deep and abiding respect on my part for them.
Asktransgender is probably the more specific spot for questions, true. Nothing wrong with crossposting in that regard :)
I totally get the self image thing. It’s hard to self advocate when self esteem says it isn’t worth it. I’ve had eras of my life where that was an issue. Probably still would if I wasn’t old and crusty.
If it were me, and the person was important enough to make it worth playing nice, I’d sit them down and explain that it hurts, that it causes distress. A lot of people will respond to that kind of direct honesty and vulnerability when they won’t to a reasonable request that means they have to put effort in. Mind you, not everyone is worth playing nice, and plenty of people will take openness as an excuse to be an asshole. But, overall, it works.
If they aren’t important enough, I tend to get my dander raised and step up past assertive into aggressive, but I can’t recommend that. It does work more often than not, but it sets up an adversarial tone that rarely goes away. It is, however, appropriate when someone refuses to show basic decency around terms of address.
But, hey, no bullshit, you always deserve at least the bare minimum of respect. That’s something that even serious assholes only lose when there’s no other choice. You absolutely deserve to be able to draw boundaries around how you’re addressed.
Yeah, Ada et al. are really great. I’d crosspost to AskTransgender, but I’ve gotten plenty of answers at this point.
I’ll definitely try to the direct honesty and vulnerability thing. If that doesn’t work, I’ll just do the name-calling thing people keep suggesting lol
Still feels weird to think that I deserve respect, but I think you’re probably right.