CW: substance abuse, dysphoria, internalized transphobia
Today has been nothing but nonstop crying for me. I woke up in a bad mood already (a bit sad). I notice this happens a lot the day after my injection. I’m on valerate, so I guess it’s the peak of my E levels…
But anyway, I decided to get some more kratom, because I hate myself and it’s something that actually makes the pain, dysphoria and overall misery go away. There’s a store downtown that sells it, so I took a tram.
On the way there and on the way back…god, I don’t know how I’d ever explain this to a cis person…
Seeing happy cishet couples flirting, having fun together, seeing beautiful and I mean stunning cis girls EVERYWHERE while I’m just huddled in a corner, doing my best not to cry. The pain is existential, that feeling of envy for something that I will never be…something I can never be.
Explaining this to cis people is purely impossible.
I wish so desperately I fit in. From the very beginning. All the way from kindergarten, worrying about normal girl stuff during the stages of my life. Flirting with boys along the way. Being desired by straight men. Fitting into the format from day one. It hurts so fucking much that I’ll never experience that. Instead, I’m just a guy sometimes wearing a dress and taking estrogen…and that’s all I’ll ever fucking be
“But you’re only 7 months HRT!”
Yeah…I know. But this isn’t gonna get better. I won’t magically become a cis girl at X months HRT. I won’t ever be able to get pregnant. My bone structure will never change. I don’t honestly think I’ll ever pass, even though I naively thought I “started early” in the beginning.
I don’t want to go outside again. I don’t want to be among cis people, if I don’t have to. I hate myself so much…
I have to go outside tomorrow, actually. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist. I’ll tell her to give me escitalopram instead of bupropion, even at the cost of my libido. I can’t do this. I can’t go outside without hating myself. My anxiety is through the roof, so is my dysphoria. Nobody should have to live like this. I hate it
Sorry for ranting again. I just feel actually useless. I feel like an object, not even like a person. I’m just…screwed
I get this (to a degree), I feel really shit about myself a lot of mornings. I’m glad you’re still here though all this though.
I don’t really envy cis girls specifically (though I do envy cis girls), but I wish I transitioned earlier, in my early teens, and I also envy a lot of passing trans women, I just want to be at a stage where I can be who I want to be. Usually my response to feeling like I don’t belong is to try and block (mentally) or forget about those people, I don’t want to fit in with people I find shit.
Like minty said, you’re gonna have to manage, it’s much kinder on yourself to want or experience the things you absolutely can, and not mourning those you can’t. The time has passed for a lot of earlier experiences, I know that sucks, but there’s so much more you can look forward too, there’s no reason why you can’t socially fit in in the way you want to (at the very least with inner circles).
I know I shouldn’t really ask (let me know if I’m ever making you feel worse), but while you were out did anyone do anything to make you feel this way? When I go out, there’s nothing that makes me feel bad, if left alone I kind of just start feeling that way, I start mulling over even the smallest of things, like how people look at me, when people don’t look I wonder why, when people do look I think it must be because I’m weird. However it doesn’t take much for someone to tip the scales, even just one good interaction can make me feel much better.
Regardless it really helps to have some people to confide in, in real life, I’m gonna keep telling you to get a group of friends you can go out with or do fun things together, maybe do a girls night out or whatever. When I went to pride I felt so happy, just being around people like that makes all the difference.
Also, you are a woman, don’t kid yourself. Putting so much effort just to pass sucks, but I saw the last post you made, you’re absolutely passing there, at least to me, I wish you could see it someday.