Hii
I just wanted to comment on some feelings ive been having.
I’ve had social anxiety since early high school (13Y old in Australia). A lot of this was from autism and not knowing thats what was up. I imagined in my head every interaction going badly, and people seeing me as some creepy guy intruding. I became the typical quiet kid because of these feelings, which made the anxiety worse, due to stigma.
Its only until recently that I have linked that some of my social anxiety stemmed from being trans. Feeling like I was off gender wise, seeing myself just as a weird male did not do well for my social anxiety.
I still feel these feelings, albeit less intensely (thank you therapy). Interestingly, I assume, as I transition, I will view myself differently and therefore become a little more relaxed?
This brings me to the topic of being anxious about being perceived as trans. Not neccessarily in a way that im insecure of being trans way. Most certaintly not. I take some level of, dare I say, “Pride” in the fact Im trans. Its instead how someone else, of course, view trans folk.
I recently went on an uber ride. Had a lovely conversation with a mother, and talked about my life and her children who were roughly my age. But at some point, the conversation lead to her mentioning elon musk. She called him a genius lol. But it did make me think, had I used my true name to introduce myself, would this conversation even happen? Would they view me with disgust? No idea of course, but ya know.
I struggle now thinking on certain I suppose non queer events. Should I boymode, use my deadname, and go? But thats of course not proper me going then. Or should I not, and just go all in? The second option definitely feels right (provided I am safe), but wow does that send the anxiety through the roof! The thought of it is almost dizzying.
Theres also anxiety, very naturally, around how on earth am i meant to react to transphobia. I mean i have worries around correcting my close and supportive friends if they fuck up a little on referring to me, mostly saying “man” or “dude”. I feel like if i assert myself ill just shake and barely get my words out and be laughed at lol. Thank god I am not actively dealing with anything of that kind atm.
Anyway pretty stressful times ahead it seems, but of course lots of excitment aswell!
-Minty
I think I have a very similar experience, I’ve had social anxiety for as long as I can remember, prior to that I think I was just very quiet, I’m not sure if I have autism though, I just know I developed a social anxiety disorder gradually.
It also makes so much more sense to me now that I know I have gender dysphoria, in the past few years a lot of the social anxiety had shifted toward gender fueled anxiety, like I’m being viewed as someone inherently less safe to be around, or that I’m intruding. It probably didn’t help I went to a boys secondary school (when I developed the social anxiety and dysphoria), and then in sixth form was thrown into classes with almost all women, I’m sure if I were placed back there I would feel just as bad as I did when I was taking classes there. I’ve since gone and changed my name legally so I’ve basically killed off my ability to boymode now (mostly).
I think you should go as yourself, but it’s all up to how you think you’d manage. I know myself that nothing bad will happen, the worst case is I’ll just run home and not even attend. For me I’m trying a strategy of just taking myself somewhere, like to an event, and then worrying about it, but sometimes that doesn’t work out and I should’ve probably prepared myself mentally instead.
I hope all the best for you though, try to take it easy, I know it’s hard <3
Thanks for the advice ❤️. Your right, I should just go as myself, but def need a sort of anxiety plan.