Apologies for the uncharacteristic post, I usually keep these things to myself, but whatever it is compels me to write, so here I am writing. And getting progressively loopy as-typical for this time.
Today certainly happened. I would not even really say it was particularly bad in itself. But I cannot help but to reflect on the burdens I am carrying and the fact that there is no reprieve from them other than the alchemy that keeps me from melting.
Though my love and trust has ultimately stabbed my heart and back every time extended, hooray for constantly-affirming Anthropophobia, I nonetheless continue to choose to love. I choose to care. I choose to give a damn. But it gets so hard to constantly have to choose what others seem to just be able to do. When I have said that I love you all, I mean that in truth. I have only been here for a short time, but I nonetheless want your happiness and joy to abound. And I want to help and so I try, mixed results between advice, solidarity and bad jokes, but still.
As it stands, I am alone in my day-to-day. Even when around others, while I try to remain cheerful and positive in the face of everything I try to shoulder to keep them from having to, I feel alone.
Then there is disassociation of not even recognizing myself the originator of things once done and written, seeing a stranger who once bore a version of myself, distant or present in the now. I help with Medical, I recall a noteworthy incident but cannot call to mind the me that wrote the documentation, or the full me who had to treat an incident.
I am able to recall beginning this post, though at present my entire world basically starts and ends with this post. Not literally, but that which came before is hazy, and thereafter will likely be a swift trip to sleepville from the medicine.
I do not really know my point with the post. I guess it is just to put something in the ether before the sleeptrain demands my ticket,
If anyone has a music suggestion I would love to listen to them sometime.
Thank you all for being you, I love you.
Ive felt lonely a lot in my life, even with friends, so i relate a lot.
And here is that song:
When i was questioning i would listen to “am I a girl”, by poppy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uK5lcI60xyM&%3Blist=RDuK5lcI60xyM&%3Bstart_radio=1
It isnt actually about being mtf at all ironically. I interpret to be about poppy’s frustration with gender conformance, which is something I relate to deeply. i’ve noticed a few people look at my pink nails as if im an alien (some guy even commented on it on it in a negative way). If the world was less gender conformist, it would make my/our transition so much easier.
She has some other good songs/albums so check those out too.
Thankies for the song suggestion! Definitely going to give a listen.
And yeah, the extremely recent and very societally-oriented view of “what makes a [blank],” would be laughable if not for the harm it causes on the daily.
Gender-conformance is all about being a puppet to the invisible hand of society that could not care less but acts as though it does. It would blow the minds of many Cultists to learn that outside of their microcosms, other cultures(including ones they subjugated) have since the dawn of their societies recognized plurality(the oldest written records of Japan for instance, and especially 稲荷大神 , having no firmness of the “gender,” of many Kami-Sama, 稲荷大神 having been portrayed across the spectrum).
Also, for what it is worth: Pink is pretty, rock the pretty nails and the haters can stuff it.
and yeah pink is cool as hell! tbh tho with the reactions i’ve been getting, i’ve been surprised anyone even cares. Honestly forgot it was controversial for a masculine looking person to do that lol. I forget about these things since im mainly only socialise with my neurodivergent/queer friends.
yeah agreed!
I should also say the song is very much non-binary coded, so it can be read/listened that way aswell.