cross-posted from: https://lemmy.zip/post/65531716
Has anyone else started liking their friends less after transitioning?
I’m not sure if this is a common experience, but I’ve noticed that since starting my transition, some people I used to genuinely enjoy being around have started to annoy me.
It’s not because they mess up my name or pronouns. That happens occasionally, but they usually correct themselves right away and apologize. It’s more that I just don’t seem to enjoy their company anymore.
For some context, I’m a civil engineer, and most of my friends are engineers as well. I’ve noticed this most strongly with some of my coworkers lately. It’s hard to describe exactly what changed. Part of it is that a lot of them have a very “macho” attitude, but it’s not just that.
Sometimes I wonder if, before transitioning, I was convincing myself that I liked being around certain people because I wanted to fit in, and now I’ve stopped doing that. But it’s strange, because there are days when I feel annoyed just seeing them, or when they make plans and invite me.
Has anyone else experienced something similar after transitioning? Did your social circle change, or did you start seeing certain relationships differently?
I’ve never been good at making friends and even worse at keeping them, so I haven’t really had to deal with this issue so much. Good and bad parts to that. Mostly bad I suppose. I’m hoping that now that I’m not unknowingly pretending to be someone I’m not my interactions can be more genuine.
My social circle changed a bit, but I was 20 and still love and cherish my pre transition friends. Even the one who’s also an engineer lol
For context, they’re nerdy men who are progressive and in touch with their emotions. One is way more masculine than the others, but we don’t judge his love of sports lol
I used to have to get shit faced to cope with hanging out with guys. I just stopped having friends a while ago and haven’t really missed it. But that was pre everything. Nothing’s really changed.
For me, it came down realising a lot of people are fundamentally very closed, and don’t want to think about any possibility which challenges their world-view.
It doesn’t take transitioning to realise this, but people who are part of certain communities like trans, queer, furry etc often need to do a lot of thinking about ourselves, about the nature of society and our place in it - about what we feel and how we feel and why.
Our situations force us to become introspective.
And ultimately, it’s people capable of that sort of introspection that I want to spend time with, and be with. I want mutually respectful friendships where I can be my whole self, and speak genuinely and listen genuinely. Friendships that aren’t scared of the big questions.
I want friendships where you actually care about getting to know the other person better, where each conversation is a little more trust and respect and joy.
Having realised that, I just can’t muster enthusiasm any longer for workplace friendships I know will never evolve beyond harmless chat about hobbies and weekend plans. Friendships where no matter how much investment you put in there will always be a huge valley of difference between you. Emotions that can never be expressed and even if they were would simply bounce off without touching.
I just don’t want to do that anymore.
That’s a bit sad, but I think you might be onto something.
The people I feel closest to these days are also the ones I’ve been able to talk to about emotions, personal experiences, and things outside of work. Those friendships feel a lot more meaningful to me.
I also think work friendships can be complicated. When work is stressful, sometimes the last thing I want after hours is another reminder of work 😅. Maybe part of what I’m realizing is that I want more connections that aren’t built entirely around my job.
Oh yeah if you can’t do that with your friends you need friends you can
This is super relatable. Maybe partly that the masc energy I used to tolerate is now actively irritating to me. Also I think there are friends that actually ‘get it’, and friends that are kind but don’t really understand at all.
I have some cis women friends that go beyond acceptance, who actively celebrated my transition, encouraged me, took me shopping, taught me makeup, invited me into women’s spaces with them. I’ve been finding myself desperately wanting to be around them (and my trans friends too) rather than with the “accepting but not understanding” groups.
(Sorry for the off-topic, but this resonated with me a lot in a completely different context. If not wanted, please remove.)
My fiancee is chronically ill and you really notice the friends who “get it” and those who don’t. I’ve had this feeling with some of them and your description hits the nail on the head. As an example: at the moment she really can’t go to social gatherings, the people who get her illness still invite her so she can decide for herself, the ones who don’t get it don’t invite her because “she can’t come anyway”.
(This is not a white cis guy implying that transitioning is like an illness, just that that the behavior of other people to a change in social dynamics reminded me of it.)
Hey thanks for being considerate, things can be similar in interesting ways even if they are very different in other ways.
Your fiance deserves friends who include her. I don’t know why each person reacts the way they do but I have learned to treasure the people that make me feel happy and excited and included and loved throughout my transition. I hope you both have those people in your lives.
The distinction between people who “get it” and people who are kind but don’t really understand actually resonates with me a lot.
I think I just realized that part of my discomfort isn’t only about certain attitudes, but also about how I’m included in group dynamics now.
For example, I have a friend I’ve known since elementary school and who was my best friend for years. The last time we all got together, it felt like I was practically invisible while he was off with all the guys doing barbecue stuff. Meanwhile, another friend in the group (it was actually his birthday) kept talking to me and including me in conversations. His girlfriend did too.
Looking back, they were probably the only two people there who made me feel genuinely included. Maybe that’s part of why some friendships feel different now.
My therapist told me that some of my relationships with people would change when I came out, some people would drift away, some people would get closer. So far I’ve been really lucky and everyone I care about has been supportive but I really treasure the people who’ve been actively celebrating the whole thing. But I think it’s normal to have a shift.
Dudes are kinda irritating ngl
dudes i previously found kinda annoying are now almost unbearable to be around
and women i used to dislike i now understand a lot better
Hmm, I knew I’d seen this question somewhere before!
I answered you on the other site :3
Absolutely. My entire friend group changed. I dont really like traditional masculinity and never did before I transitioned either, but I tried very hard to. After transitioning i had decided to stop living for other people and live for myself. So I made friends who I actually liked and relate to. I made friends who encouraged and supported me.
