I love anal, okay? I do. It’s the only way I can have proper sex at the moment. But the prep? It’s literal hell.
Because for some reason, due to this stupid fucking body, I just need to involve my digestive system during intimacy and it drives me fucking insane. I can’t just have sex spontaneously, like ever. I can’t have sex whenever I want, be it early morning or late at night. No, I have to spend HOURS in the bathroom doing something that doesn’t even yield results most of the time, just for the option to have sex. And that’s honestly killing me.
You know I like having sex, right? It’s one of my most popular Lemmy topics. Well, guess what? I fucking can’t. Instead of enjoying a nice, intimate and close moment with someone, I have to worry about this. If I’m clean enough. If I’ll stay clean during sex. If something doesn’t mess up. And I hate it.
I’m a bit of a hygiene nut. I’m pretty sure I have OCD. So I don’t just “wing it” and call it okay. I literally can’t. I spend hour after hour after hour in the bathroom, wasting away time of my life just for a chance. Nothing more.
And so I’m not doing it anymore. I’m not having sex until I get SRS. That’s a year and a half without sex and I’m gonna fucking die, but if I try to go through this again, I’m gonna get so close to taking my own life that I’m actually gonna do it. I’m done with this stuff.
Post SRS girlies…I envy you. Truly, honestly I do. One day, I’ll have the correct parts. One day, preparing for sex won’t be a hassle that takes hours of my life and half of all my daily energy…but that day isn’t today. And it’s really fucking far away.
I hate this fucking body. It makes me want to cut everything off. Even acknowledging that it exists makes me wanna puke. That’s all. Goodnight.
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I hope you get the gender affirming intervention you need as soon as possible Miisha. It’s cruel that trans folks have to jump through hoops and often prove prolonged suffering in order to be given the care they deserve.
I understand this doesn’t change anything to your pain but imho your prep for anal sounds like overkill. Enemas are intense and sometimes backfire. I love receiving anal and I do often, and tbh all I do is take a nice thorough shower beforehand and eat a balanced diet with plenty of fiber. That’s it. It’s surprisingly easy to listen to my body and to know if it’s a good time or not. Never had an accident. Not gonna pretend there’s zero risk of a mess but the fact is, sex is always a potential mess no matter what…
trigger warning cishet sex mess
It’s happened a few times with my ex-wife that we’d have unhinged middle of the night sex only to find out after the deed when we turn the lights on that she had just started a menstruation. The bed would look like we had performed a ritual in honor of some dark god. The bedsheets, our bellies, my face, all painted red. Fun times 😂
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Am I the only person who just doesn’t mind if everything isn’t perfect? Sometimes you inadvertently go tip to tip and thank god for condoms. Add some fiber to your diet, stay hydrated, and if someone has a problem with “good enough,” (don’t) fuck 'em.
I swear I’m gonna cut it off. I swear. All I need is a sharp knife or a box cutter. Box cutters are sharp, right? I’ve done this before, this time I just might bleed out. No biggie. I’m so fucking done with this. One of my favorite things in life and now I can’t even have it. Fuck this. Fuck being born with this. Fuck being pre-OP. I hate myself.
Ive been there before sis. I did all the research, worked out how long id have to get to a hospital and still make it out alive, all of it.
It’s not a line of thought worth entertaining. You need to shut it down when it starts. You need to be seeking professional support for thoughts like this.
Hey Miisha, are you alive? Hope you’re filling a bit better 13 hours later.
This isn’t forever, I promise. One day you’ll be post-SRS Miisha and all of this is going to be so much easier. Keep on keepin’ on and try to take good care of yourself in the meantime.
