I love anal, okay? I do. It’s the only way I can have proper sex at the moment. But the prep? It’s literal hell.
Because for some reason, due to this stupid fucking body, I just need to involve my digestive system during intimacy and it drives me fucking insane. I can’t just have sex spontaneously, like ever. I can’t have sex whenever I want, be it early morning or late at night. No, I have to spend HOURS in the bathroom doing something that doesn’t even yield results most of the time, just for the option to have sex. And that’s honestly killing me.

You know I like having sex, right? It’s one of my most popular Lemmy topics. Well, guess what? I fucking can’t. Instead of enjoying a nice, intimate and close moment with someone, I have to worry about this. If I’m clean enough. If I’ll stay clean during sex. If something doesn’t mess up. And I hate it.
I’m a bit of a hygiene nut. I’m pretty sure I have OCD. So I don’t just “wing it” and call it okay. I literally can’t. I spend hour after hour after hour in the bathroom, wasting away time of my life just for a chance. Nothing more.

And so I’m not doing it anymore. I’m not having sex until I get SRS. That’s a year and a half without sex and I’m gonna fucking die, but if I try to go through this again, I’m gonna get so close to taking my own life that I’m actually gonna do it. I’m done with this stuff.

Post SRS girlies…I envy you. Truly, honestly I do. One day, I’ll have the correct parts. One day, preparing for sex won’t be a hassle that takes hours of my life and half of all my daily energy…but that day isn’t today. And it’s really fucking far away.
I hate this fucking body. It makes me want to cut everything off. Even acknowledging that it exists makes me wanna puke. That’s all. Goodnight.